It’s gloomy outside. As gloomy as the heart. I love the weather but of course not the rainy in the heart.
My mind can’t stop playing the sight of Ihsan sobbing while his hand rubbing his another hand. Walking slowly towards our bedroom after I scolded and hit his hand when he tried to close my laptop……………
Before that I was trying to put him to sleep. He kept coming out from the room so I decided to accompany him. He kept getting into Widad’s cot and messing up everything. I put back everything nicely but messed them up again. He kept trying to sleep beside Widad who was lying beside me. I was breastfeeding her. Might be he wanted to sleep beside Widad but I was worried because he unintentionally kept pushing Widad. I didn’t want to take the risk that he might crash on his baby sister. He didn’t tell me what he really wanted to do. Although I did try to talk to him to sleep at the other side of me. Past half and hour he still kept tumbling himself around in the bed. So I left him in the room and went out with Widad.
Earlier before that he made me changed his diaper twice consequently. Apparently he hasn’t done with his business yet when I cleaned him up for the first time. He didn’t tell me so I didn’t know. A little bit more earlier than that, I tried to teach him at the study table. But he kept getting distracted. He didn’t really listened. I was pissed off because he didn’t take serious. Before that while waiting for me he seemed boring and lying on the floor gazing at his Lego collection. But when I tried to entertain him, he didn’t want to cooperate.
Much longer before that, we were downstairs. He was the first to eat. But he was the last to finish. I kept forcing him to stay put on his chair. I kept forcing him to eat by himself using spoon. He took forever to finish eating. And from the earliest situation towards the latest situation, Widad kept crying every time I put her down. She wanted to be held. So I have to deal with Ihsan while at the same time listening to Widad’s cry or holding her.
……………I didn’t hear any sound from the bedroom except the Quran recitation from the Ipod. I went into the room and saw him lying silently in the bed. His eyes were still open. I sat beside him and talked to him before leaving him. A few minutes later I went back into the room and saw that he is already asleep.
He didn’t go tantrum as usual after I hit him. Reminded me of quite the same situation months ago. That time I scolded him and he was shocked. Immediately he cried and the cry wasn’t the same as usual. I still remember the look at his face. I could read that he was confused, sad, frustrated, devastated due to the unexpected respond from me. So… that was how he was just now. It was the same look on his face.
It really disturbed me seeing him with that look on his face. I hoped that he would reach my heart and understand me. I expected him to obey to my instructions. Expected him to cooperate. Expected him to listen and stop screaming. Expected him to come to me without having to call out for his name hundred times. Expected that we could get connected to each other. Expected that I could feel that he is close to me. Not somewhere else in his own world. And on top of that expected him to look at me and talk to me. Tell me what he wants for God sake!
But no… of course those things aren’t easy for him to do. He is lack of focus. His mind told him to always act deaf. His mind is very busy so that’s why he is restless and difficult to stay still. He has motor skills issues so it’s difficult for him to feed himself using fork and spoon. He has difficulties understanding instructions. He couldn’t understand others’ feeling. Even he himself is lack of emotion. On top of that… he is speech delayed. It takes lots of effort from him to mutter even a word! Definitely he couldn’t tell what he wants and what he feels. Well… maybe not right now. He is still keeping them to himself. Someday he will do all of that. He is special, remember?
I should have know better. I should have understood better. I am the one who should try to look and listen at what he is trying to tell. I should have been more tolerable, encouraging, supportive and happy. But at times… why I’m not? Because I’m just an ordinary mother. Very ordinary. Not as an extraordinary as him. I worry too much. I am tired mentally and physically. I am sleep deprived. Lame excuses, I know. I don’t want to say it’s difficult. But it’s not easy. I pity my son for many people don’t understand him. But he must be feeling crushed for sometimes his Mama couldn’t understand him either.
Tha Almighty Allah, please bless me with abundance of strength and patience. Please bless me with health, wealth, guidance and longevity. Please make it a smooth and easy road for my son throughout his journey of life. Give me the chance to be able to see him live happily until the end of his life.
I’m sorry Ihsan. Mama loves you so much. I will try to be the best Mama you ever have.