…..I’m SO NOT PROUD of it. At all! Sigh… πŸ™

I yelled at my baby today during this morning. To add more, I even hit the kotatsu table repeatedly as hard as I could with my fist. I knew I didn’t need to break lose but it just happened that I suddenly got away with my emotion and hence my anger abrupt. I was so pissed off that he blew his porridge once I fed a spoonful into his mouth. I see that’s becoming a fun habit to him during meal time. He doesn’t usually play bubbles during other times though. As for today. I was just starting to feed him and I knew he wasn’t full even if he wasn’t hungry at all. He did it more like playing with the food. At first I just warned him but he did again for a few more times. He even proudly looking at me as like showing off his skill. He didn’t seem scare at me thus making me felt more mad. And when he did it again for the last time my blood went upstairs because he made my face and the kotatsu messy with green colored porridge sprayed. He cried a bit after I yelled out loud at him. See…how resistant my baby is! I know he didn’t really do anything that reserved such a scold. In fact that’s kinda of thing which baby always does best.

This is not the first time that I lost my temper towards my baby in fact it has happened many times (but not all the times though, fortunately). Sometimes when I’ so mad, there would even be ridiculous thoughts suddenly came into mind. However fortunately until to this day I still can maintain my sanity and especially keep remembering God and then calm myself eventually before finally manage the situation wisely. Sometimes, there’s really nothing that my baby did compared to the aftermath. I couldn’t help asking myself why should I get away and lose control of myself? I shouldn’t have listened to the heart but use my mind instead. But hey… sometimes it’s just too easy to say rather than doing it. Especially when there’s other things bothering or affecting me like fatigue, sleep deprive, poor health or simply stressed due to various factors.

Like today’s incident, as usual I would feel very regret of what had happened earlier. What more we had just started the day yet it was already spoiled. I desperately wanted my baby to please understand me. Although I already knew it was useless, yet I should just save the trouble because my baby would never could understand me as an adult does. I should just follow the fact and handle the situation wisely without making it more complex. But why did all hell still break lose? I think… might be everything kinda already bottling up in me and the incident happen to be the only reason to make me explode. No… I’m not in depression or anything. It’s just like a piggy bank. You know, when everyday you keep saving your coin and one day your piggy bank has became so full that it can’t allow any more coin to be inserted. Well anyway… looking at the bright side. My so called piggy bank in me now is already empty πŸ˜› Still… it wasn’t the best way to let off steam whether intentionally or unintentionally. Because letting my poor baby being the victim is just so cruel πŸ™

Somehow… come to think of it… sometimes it’s not really about letting off some steam but it simply just the baby himself that drives me up the wall! It’s hard to be patient. Most of the times when I feel like I can’t stand it anymore with him, I would just stay silent and continue settling him until done. At the same time I would do zikir repeatedly. Occasionally, I also would give in and let him does as he wishes or totally ignore him and go to somewhere else until he slows down or I gained back my composure. I always try so hard not to lose control and let anything like this morning to happen. I hate myself for being like that. I feel like I’m such a mean mom. And stupid too because being angry with a baby who hardly could understand anything.

Every time when anything like this happens, it would remind me of myself when I was small. It’s scary to be remembering to the extend of how bad my behavior could be. It’s a nightmare to be having a daughter like me. Even if given a chance I don’t want to have a child like myself. Because I’m not sure if I would have the patience to handle a child like myself wahaha πŸ˜› Now I feel sorry to my parents for having to raise me up. But somehow, kudos to them for finally successfully turned me into an ‘orang’ πŸ™‚ Still… I always pray that all my childen are gonna be easy ones. Or at least… please Dear Allah… grant us with all the patience in the world to endeavor the world of parenthood and please show us the right ways in bringing up our children towards being successful Muslims both in the world and the hereafter. Amin.

Please don’t be mad at me for yelling at my baby today. I’m sure most moms have done the same at least once, no? Well… good for you if you never yell or even scold your baby. Please teach me how to be one too because I’m just an ORDINARY MOM after all. Anyway… Ihsan baby dear, Mama sorry for yelling my lungs out at you today. At least I never hurt you in any way gladly (I pray that Allah will always guide me and never let me lose my mind and do harm to you, amin! Even the thought of it is already so scary. Na’uzubillah!). Plus you are too young for corporal punishment and even that’s gonna be last resort if you don’t want to listen to us. Perhaps tomorrow and the next day and the next and the next times 100 are gonna be better from the day before. I can’t promise because I’m not a robot but I’ll always try. It has just been 8 months and we have longgg more way to go. Breath in… breath out. Breath in… breath out. Breath innnnn………. breath outtttt! πŸ™‚

Please Believe Me…..

9 thoughts on “Please Believe Me…..

  • May 1, 2010 at 5:49 AM
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    Ina,
    takde ibu yang tak pernah rasa ‘hot’ dengan anaknya,even anak tu baru baby.kita pun manusia biasa yg kdg2 lost control dgn mainan emosi sndr.pasal main sembur2 foods tu mmg perfectly normal to almost all babies laa i guess,mcm raziqh ni 1st week bg solid tu dia pun suka sembur2,slowly nanti dia akan berhenti sndr,mmg geram kan,hbs semua benda kotor2,sabar je la…
    mcm fith skrg ni dgn raziqh takde byk benda sgt nak hangin sbb ada rafiqh yg lagi suka buat mak dia ‘sakit jiwa’,haha.mmg kena bljr byk2 bersabar since diorg ni baby lg cause once dah jd toddler,kesabaran kita lg byk teruji,believe me!hehe

    cheer up ye mama ina!jgn sedih2,ihsan tau mama sayang dia…

    Reply
  • May 1, 2010 at 11:35 PM
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    Fith,
    Xbest sgt kan bila marah2 anak ni. Tp yelakan nnt dia makin bsr lg mcm2 kerenah dia kiter nk kena hadapi. Semoga Allah kurniakan kesabaran yg tinggi buat kiter semua para ibu, amin. Pasal sembur2 tu kan Fith kalau mula2 dlu kiter paham la n xkisah. Tp ni 2 3 hari ni je dia buat pangai cmni tau. Mmg dia saja2 nk main. Sbb dia pndg kiter smbil senyum2. Even dh xsuap pn dia sembur2 air liur dia sekuat hati. Kdg2 bila kiter dpt distract dia dgn benda lain dia boleh je mkn dgn sopan nyer siap habis lagi! Hish! Xpela betul gak la kot mcm Fith ckp skrg ni phase dia pndai main benda ni. Nnt dh bsr sket xmain dh la sembur2. Tp main apa plak masa mkn nnt xtau la. Tp masa tu dh bsr sket leh la Mama jentik wahaha! Btw tq ye Fith πŸ™‚

    Reply
  • May 2, 2010 at 11:16 PM
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    I guess sume mak Akan rasa camne yg Ina rasa after kita lost control dgn anak sendiri apatH lg usia mcm ihsan tu…mcm kata fith,bila dia lg meningkAt dewasa lg besar ujian dia bg.lg mencAbar Cara kita nk deal.anggaplah ni sbg latihan utk kita fhm anak Dan dia pon tgh Cuba nk fhm kita.itu salah satu bhgn dlm kita mendidik.Lps termarah tu,jgn tunggu lama2 utk pujuk dia.insyaAllah he’ll learn something too.so,cheer up!it’s part of motherhood.doa supaya kita lebih sabar

    Reply
  • May 3, 2010 at 3:28 PM
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    ina…banyak2 sabar.. remember last time when we used to chat.. and u said that u are “so ready to faced this..” ihsan is still small.. kalau ko jerit kat dia pun dia tak paham.. kalau rasa nak marah sangat2.. better ko alihkan pandangan ko dari dia.. pastu ko buat bende lain kejap.. ignorance can be used in the situation..aku pun kadang2 hilang sabar gak melayan kerenah dak eesya ni.. so aku abaikan dia kejap sbb aku takut aku termarah yg tak patut kat dia.. nak2 plak kata2 kita sebagai ibu adalah satu doa.. just share my opinion..

    Reply
  • May 4, 2010 at 12:37 AM
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    Mai,
    Tq Mai. InsyaAllah semoga Allah tingkatkan kesabaran. Bukan sng nk sabar kan. Mcm Mai ckp sket2 blaja drpd setiap cabaran yg dtg. Moga selaras kesabaran yg ada dgn peningkatan usia anak. Alhamdulillah I’m learning new things from day to day. If to be compared I am today with the 1st day I be Ihsan’s mom, surely I’m doing much better now πŸ™‚

    Mash,
    Tq Mash. Alhamdulillah Allah knew I’m ready to go through motherhood hence He presented me Ihsan to be taken care of. Alhamdulillah until today kalau aku marah sgt2 pn aku sgt menjaga kata2. Usually marah2 pn aku senyap n ignore dia dlu. Aku tau Ihsan xphm apa2. D other day I yelled at him more towards making him to know that I was angry and scared at me. And I said, ‘Ihsan nk apa?!’ or ‘Ihsan ni kenapa?!’. That’s all n that’s d worst so far. S’times there are days when I feel so drained and such. InsyaAllah akan cuba byk2 sabar πŸ™‚

    Reply
  • May 5, 2010 at 1:53 PM
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    huhu takyah cakap la ina, aku ni kadang2 kalau said ‘no’ to Arissa, no dalam oktaf yang tinggi yang blh wat die tersentak.. pun die gelak2 lepas tuh.

    geram kalau die still wat perangai smpi ke besar macam tuh. ada sekali babap jari die sebab duk pegang aerial tv, kan ke benda tu mcm ada eletrik.. haih.. seyes aku pun rasa depress kekadang.

    Reply
  • May 6, 2010 at 10:50 PM
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    Aina,
    Marilah kiter sesama bersabar. Skrg tgh phase umur diorg melasak kan. Aku kdg2 bknlah apa pn. Tp sbb penat dgn mcm2 hal. Tetiba Ihsan buat prangai cntik manis plak. Mmg tggu masa je la nk meletup pdhal Ihsan bknlah buat apa sgt pun. Tp Alhamdulillah setakat ni even lost control masih dlm takat yg munasabah. Hope we’ll do much better in dealing our children next time, InsyaAllah.

    Reply
  • May 14, 2010 at 8:57 AM
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    me too Ina..kadang2 iba2 je marah baby SN,nak2 lagi kalau di akacau i tengah blogging hehehe

    lepas marah tu dan baby SN nangis, I pun gelakkan diri sendiri because acte dso silly towards my little angel kui3x

    so i guess, bila u rasa nk marah ur baby…u tahan kejap pastu gelakkn diri sendiri di atas keidakcerdikan perbuatan itu hehehe

    Reply
  • May 14, 2010 at 1:25 PM
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    Yatie,
    Tq Yatie. Boleh pakai jugak idea u hihi. InsyaAllah nnt I cuba. Instead of dilayan rasa marah tu baik cuba cool down kan. Take it easy xdela tensen2 kan πŸ™‚

    Reply

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