I yelled at my baby today during this morning. To add more, I even hit the kotatsu table repeatedly as hard as I could with my fist. I knew I didn’t need to break lose but it just happened that I suddenly got away with my emotion and hence my anger abrupt. I was so pissed off that he blew his porridge once I fed a spoonful into his mouth. I see that’s becoming a fun habit to him during meal time. He doesn’t usually play bubbles during other times though. As for today. I was just starting to feed him and I knew he wasn’t full even if he wasn’t hungry at all. He did it more like playing with the food. At first I just warned him but he did again for a few more times. He even proudly looking at me as like showing off his skill. He didn’t seem scare at me thus making me felt more mad. And when he did it again for the last time my blood went upstairs because he made my face and the kotatsu messy with green colored porridge sprayed. He cried a bit after I yelled out loud at him. See…how resistant my baby is! I know he didn’t really do anything that reserved such a scold. In fact that’s kinda of thing which baby always does best.
This is not the first time that I lost my temper towards my baby in fact it has happened many times (but not all the times though, fortunately). Sometimes when I’ so mad, there would even be ridiculous thoughts suddenly came into mind. However fortunately until to this day I still can maintain my sanity and especially keep remembering God and then calm myself eventually before finally manage the situation wisely. Sometimes, there’s really nothing that my baby did compared to the aftermath. I couldn’t help asking myself why should I get away and lose control of myself? I shouldn’t have listened to the heart but use my mind instead. But hey… sometimes it’s just too easy to say rather than doing it. Especially when there’s other things bothering or affecting me like fatigue, sleep deprive, poor health or simply stressed due to various factors.
Like today’s incident, as usual I would feel very regret of what had happened earlier. What more we had just started the day yet it was already spoiled. I desperately wanted my baby to please understand me. Although I already knew it was useless, yet I should just save the trouble because my baby would never could understand me as an adult does. I should just follow the fact and handle the situation wisely without making it more complex. But why did all hell still break lose? I think… might be everything kinda already bottling up in me and the incident happen to be the only reason to make me explode. No… I’m not in depression or anything. It’s just like a piggy bank. You know, when everyday you keep saving your coin and one day your piggy bank has became so full that it can’t allow any more coin to be inserted. Well anyway… looking at the bright side. My so called piggy bank in me now is already empty 😛 Still… it wasn’t the best way to let off steam whether intentionally or unintentionally. Because letting my poor baby being the victim is just so cruel 🙁
Somehow… come to think of it… sometimes it’s not really about letting off some steam but it simply just the baby himself that drives me up the wall! It’s hard to be patient. Most of the times when I feel like I can’t stand it anymore with him, I would just stay silent and continue settling him until done. At the same time I would do zikir repeatedly. Occasionally, I also would give in and let him does as he wishes or totally ignore him and go to somewhere else until he slows down or I gained back my composure. I always try so hard not to lose control and let anything like this morning to happen. I hate myself for being like that. I feel like I’m such a mean mom. And stupid too because being angry with a baby who hardly could understand anything.
Every time when anything like this happens, it would remind me of myself when I was small. It’s scary to be remembering to the extend of how bad my behavior could be. It’s a nightmare to be having a daughter like me. Even if given a chance I don’t want to have a child like myself. Because I’m not sure if I would have the patience to handle a child like myself wahaha 😛 Now I feel sorry to my parents for having to raise me up. But somehow, kudos to them for finally successfully turned me into an ‘orang’ 🙂 Still… I always pray that all my childen are gonna be easy ones. Or at least… please Dear Allah… grant us with all the patience in the world to endeavor the world of parenthood and please show us the right ways in bringing up our children towards being successful Muslims both in the world and the hereafter. Amin.
Please don’t be mad at me for yelling at my baby today. I’m sure most moms have done the same at least once, no? Well… good for you if you never yell or even scold your baby. Please teach me how to be one too because I’m just an ORDINARY MOM after all. Anyway… Ihsan baby dear, Mama sorry for yelling my lungs out at you today. At least I never hurt you in any way gladly (I pray that Allah will always guide me and never let me lose my mind and do harm to you, amin! Even the thought of it is already so scary. Na’uzubillah!). Plus you are too young for corporal punishment and even that’s gonna be last resort if you don’t want to listen to us. Perhaps tomorrow and the next day and the next and the next times 100 are gonna be better from the day before. I can’t promise because I’m not a robot but I’ll always try. It has just been 8 months and we have longgg more way to go. Breath in… breath out. Breath in… breath out. Breath innnnn………. breath outtttt! 🙂