I had been meaning to write an entry about this. I can just skip the story but some part of me yelling that I need to express it out at least. But most of the time I wasn’t feeling comfortable and ready to even think about it. Somehow.. I think now is the right time to do so.
I had been stalking this blog since months ago. I’m sure many of you are reading it too. As far as I can remember, I started reading it since after I lost my son. I lost ‘Abid in May. While Amir Yusuf was born in July. So might be I stumbled upon the blog around September or October. I can’t really remember. And I don’t even remember how did I found the blog at the first place. I love reading the blog and following all the writings written by his father. Each word and lines were full with emotions. Well… of course the reason why I love reading the blog was because we shared a few things in common. Definitely the ordeals were not the same at all and different in many ways. But it happened to the persons very dear to us, our sons. Somehow I must say that what the parents had been facing was much greater compared to the one fated to us. But somehow they never the same. Coping with an instant lost was never easy to go on with too. His parents were given chance to shower lots of love to him. As for us, we didn’t even have a second of time to do that. Still… we showered him with our final deeds which also happened to be the first towards him with full of love and devotion. You see… everything we able to do for our son was only once. For the first and the last time. Although I never had a chance to live my life with ‘Abid but all my hopes and dreams had already long existed even before he was conceived. So when he was gone… absolutely I could never realize those hopes and dreams. They were all crushed to dust. But one thing never fade even a little and it is hurting so much until like forever. The imagination of those hopes and dreams. The desire. Keinginan. So many things playing in my mind since then up until now. I just can never stop imagining how is he now if he is still alive, how he looks like, what is he capable to do now, what he likes to do and so on it never ends. Now I’m pregnant with Adik… I also can’t stop imagining of how wonderful it would be to see ‘Abid playing with Adik, would he get jealous with Adik’s presence?, will Adik look like ‘Abid? and so on again… the list never ends.
No, I never wanted to sadden and torch myself. The feelings and all the imagining of hopes and dreams are just too hurting! But loosing a child is not something you can get over with. Apa perasaan kehilangan anak? I felt lost… hilang arah tujuan and focus… I felt empty… I kept hoping that I could be drugged to sleep so that I didn’t have to feel whatever I was feeling. Now the feeling is like it is something that lives with you whether you want it or not. As time passed, the thing also growing following the moments of times of your life. Just as I said, for examples like ‘Abid… he is now supposed to be 10 months old… so I keep imagining the 10 months old him. In 2 more months his supposed 1st birthday is coming, so the imagination of celebrating birthday with him will definitely invade my mind. You see… how can you ever get rid of it? It actually lives with you. It is really hard to explain. Perhaps someone who had faced such lost would understand. Or to be exact, someone who had lost a child will surely understand how it feels like. It is really a different feeling between to be loosing a child with other persons in our lives. Well… actually looking back at it… this is the only thing I can do as a way to live my love towards him. I need a medium. So by having imaginations really help a lot too somehow. Sometimes I would smile alone towards the things which keep playing in my mind. But most of the times they give me tingling sensation, make my eyes blurry and hot ears before finally the tears running down my cheeks. This usually happens during or after I perform Maghrib prayer almost everyday. I never can forget him even for a second. Then when this happens, I will surely take my deep breaths, take my mind to somewhere else, and when I feel at ease, I will proceed with reciting do’a for him. Sometimes I just need to cry first so I do that. It only lasts for a moment. But that really helps put away the burden in my heart. I just really miss him sometimes… well… always. And it is unbearable. After all… I think it is not wrong to be imagining and remembering the one I love. In fact in a way, it is kinda therapeutic too. And it keeps me being sane.
Now back to this boy, Amir Yusuf; truthfully the stories of him had given such an inspiration for me to live. To think back… I might not be able to be tested with a sick child. I might not have such patience. And now Amir Yusuf had gone after 8 months the bond of love developed between the child and the parents. I really envy and inspired by his parents strengths. I can’t imagine myself to be at their place. I know it is not easy but Allah knew they can stand it. From the stories earlier, I got the strengths to move on. I should just be grateful that Allah tested me with an ordeal which I could cope with. Even I did miss a lot of things instantly but might be that was the best for me. Probably if I given the chance to see my son lived, I would be even broken when suddenly he left me. I might still be in a poor state up until now. I was secretly praying that Amir Yusuf would someday healed. But Allah knew what was best for him. During his last days, I was also kept thinking of him. I was really eager to know what was happening to him and how he was doing. I was wishing for a miracle to happen. But unfortunately during the coldness and gloominess of that particular morning, I was greeted with this story. Hubby was behind me watching his anime at that time. I was reading to the story and I just couldn’t help to cry. I tried to control. But once I saw the pictures slideshow I couldn’t hold on anymore. I went to hubby and hugged him as I sobbed. Hubby was shocked so I told him why. He saw the entry and the picture. Hubby came back and coaxed me. He hugged me and told me not to be sad. Well… he giggled to see me crying phbt! I told him that it reminded me of our son. He hugged and rubbed me and I was okay after that. Then hubby too continued watching his anime. But he did tease me a little after that 😛
For the whole day I was feeling so emotional. I cried a few times but only for a little. Every time when my mind flashes back the pictures of Amir Yusuf’s burial all the feelings when I lost my ‘Abid kept coming back to me. I felt like it was just happened. The surrealistic, the loneliness, the pains and so on were rushing back to me again. Few days later I read this story and especially this and this written by his father. His words really touched to the core my heart. I was once experiencing the same thing too. The part which his father told about all the newly bought things for him which had never been used. I have one full closet of ‘Abid’s nicely kept. Fortunately this house has huge built-in closets. I have all from the small to big baby stuffs. Each has different story of its own. But each of them has one same unrealized dream… to be used by its owner. I pray that they don’t have to wait long. I really pity all those stuffs as if they are all also feeling sad with what had happened to them. And eventually I pity myself and feeling sad too. Maybe they are meant for Adik after all. ‘Abid was a destiny for a Adik. I only opened the closet a few times… like to keep all the washed stuffs, to rearranging all the stuffs, and to sort out some stuffs; that’s all. It is saddening and hurting to see at each and every thing in the closet. So I avoid to do that as possible unless if I need to. I also remember keeping the yellow hooded towel, mittens and booties used on ‘Abid for nearly 2 months. They had traces of him on it like light blood stains and vernix. I brought them wherever I go especially to bed. They were always right by my side. Whenever I felt lost and missing him, I would kiss, hug and sniff the scent left of him in full of breaths as deep I could and cried until I fell asleep. I only washed the stuffs when one day I realized that I really needed to let ‘Abid go and help myself to move on. Moreover the stuffs were then had more of my smell, including my tears and nose mucous on it 😛 I had always wanted to write about from the moment we received the news, the labor story, the homecoming and towards the burial. But I still don’t have the guts to do that. Perhaps someday… maybe after Adik is born. Maybe Adik can give me the strength to write about this.
Mati tu adala pasti. As my MIL once said to me… cepat ke lambat ke bila2 Allah nak ambil Dia ambil je… Memang berat sangat dugaan macam ni. Rindu sangat tak terucap dengan kata2. Tapi Allah tu Maha Adil. Semua yang berlaku ada hikmah. Dalam kepahitan ada kemanisan. Bukan senang2 juga Allah nak hadiahkan bidadari syurga. Tempat ‘Abid sudah pasti di Jannah. Tapi tempat kami? Jadi sabarlah. Semoga kami akan menjadi insan yang beriman dan bertakwa. Dan seterusnya semoga kami mudah ditarik dan dipertemukan lagi dengan ‘Abid di Jannah. Semoga keluarga Amir Yusuf juga akan dikurniakan kesabaran dan ketabahan yang tak terhingga untuk menempuhi hari mendatang. Sememangnya mereka sangat kuat. Sebab itu mereka adalah yang terpilih.
-Al-Fatihah to Amir Yusuf and Ahmad ‘Abid Qiwaidir-