I have been so itching to tell but not until the right time. So now, I think the right time has finally arrived. Today I reached the end of the 1st trimester of my 2nd pregnancy and I’m officially entering the 2nd trimester. By other words, I have just completed the 1st 3 months of the pregnancy journey and I’m already in the 4th month! I’m glad and relieved that the most crucial phase has just ended. But of course I knew that I have a long more way to go and so I keep praying hard that everything will turn out just fine in the end, InsyaAllah.
I’m fasting today not because I’m so rajin to fast. But I have 10 more days minus today to repay my fast. I missed the first few days of Ramadhan and quite some during the end of it. Since I gave birth in last May, my period took quite some times to adjust back to normal. Fortunately the flow was always normal only that it tended to be in longer days than before I first got conceived in 2007. Considering that this 2nd Lil’ Munchkin is expected to be making its appearance estimated on 25th August 2009, that will definitely mean that I’m most probably gonna missed the whole 1 month of Ramadhan for this year. 30 days to be repaid really isn’t a joke, man. I found that it is hard to repay the fast instead of fasting during Ramadhan itself. This is because during Ramadhan you are compulsory to fast except if only you have the permitted excuse to not fast. But during the non-Ramadhan months you will always have this evil tiny voice inside your head that keeps saying, “Takpela nanti la”, “Esok la”, “Eh esok takleh sebab bukan Isnin Khamis so xbest” and so on the list goes down. This is gonna be even more crucial for me to repay my fast especially when there are so many desires in mind and challenges around.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not whining at all. This time, I got conceived during the 3rd month of trying. Alhamdulillah we didn’t have to wait so long to get conceived again. Turned out, it was already 6 month and a half since I gave birth to the 1st one. Actually that was the best time for me since I might have healed as an overall physically, mentally, emotionally and all completely. That was actually our original plan. But we did start trying to conceive 2 months earlier since I felt like I really wanted a baby. But that’s actually already the sign that I wasn’t really healing completely:) … emotionally still? Anyway… during the 3rd month trying we did contemplate whether to miss the month or go on with the plan. Because I told hubby that if I got conceived that month, I will have to miss the whole Ramadhan this year. Hubby didn’t mind at all about that since it doesn’t affect him in any way but he did feel like to miss the month too since we were going back holidaying in Msia soon after that. So it might be quite a hassle for me to travel long hours in flight during the 1st trimester and the early pregnancy symptoms would also affect my holiday and my plans to eat foods that I wanted. Also if I got pregnant, once the baby popped out soon I would have to be prepared that the fasting might affect my breast milk production. But then I told him that who knows this month God would want to grant us our wish and we might lose the chance this month if we already planned to miss it. If it happened that I’m gonna get pregnant still, so just repay the 1 month fasting. At the same time, take easy towards whatever obstacles that might be coming along the way. That’s not really an issue compared to what we would get in the end. So apalah sangat nak kena ganti puasa sebulan tu kan?:) Woahhhhh woahhh woahhh!:D Well, I believe I can go through all of that:) I must.
How did I discover that I got pregnant again this time? Of course it was quite similar like the first time since we already planned it earlier so I had already expected how it should be. But of course this time I got disappointed during the first 2 months. During the 3rd month… I didn’t put much hope though and in fact I was least likely to expect I would get pregnant. But yeah, things always happen when we least expect it. I did feel nauseous every time when I was about to sleep starting since a week before my period should be due. Although the earliest signs were a little bit different compared to the 1atst pregnancy but I noticed that I felt fatigued, hungry, my body felt a bit different and what important was one time I felt that something like a bubble popped in my abdomen. That was when it hit it me that I might be pregnant. The bubble-popped-in-womb feeling also happened when I got conceived with the 1st Lil’ Munchkin before. However I thought after all I might just been playing with my own feelings. I planned to do the HPT right after we arrived in Msia but my heart just couldn’t wait any more longer so I did it on the 31st day of my cycle. It was on Thursday, 18th December 2008. Once the stick turned out to be ‘+’ I just couldn’t believe my eyes! I was so happy but also worried and scared at the same time. I got all of the emotions mixed in me but of course I was so grateful that it happened again. I was so happy that I cried looking at the stick. I didn’t know why that I just couldn’t believe it and I was so surprised. I think… that was all because I was so hoping for it to be happened again and how I really miss ‘Abid and the feeling of having a baby in my womb. I don’t have much memories with ‘Abid so the most and only thing I could remember are of course his obvious kicks and punches inside of me. Yes… that’s the reason why. I was being on the cloud nine for the whole day. Even during the 1st pregnancy I didn’t cry at all and even more cool when I discovered that I was pregnant.
I only told hubby on the next day. I always SMSed him once he went to work and just before I continue my morning sleep and he would always check if there is any SMS from me during his lunch break. Despite of not replying to my SMS almost all the times but he enjoyed receiving one after another from me. So on that morning I messaged him that as if ‘Abid telling hubby himself that he is gonna get an Adik. I also attached a picture of the HPT stick.
The first one
When he went home we just couldn’t help smiling. Hubby just said that he expected it already so he wasn’t that surprised but of course he was feeling happy and grateful. Then when I reached Msia, I bought a ClearBlue HPT stick from the pharmacy and did the test again. This time, I believed it that I was already pregnant:)
The second one
Well… honestly what am I feeling during this 2nd pregnancy? Definitely I am so happy to get pregnant again and ‘Abid is gonna get Adik soon InsyaAllah. I was feeling so excited inside once I was confirmed of it but my reaction didn’t portray of how I was actually feeling. Not that I didn’t want to be excited but might be because of previous experience with ‘Abid made me feeling quite worried and scared. Getting pregnant again this time also brings back all the memories I had once went trough with ‘Abid. Of course I didn’t want to remember the sad parts but as much as how I wanted to guard my heart sometimes at least some of them would flash right back at the center of my mind. I was so traumatized and don’t easily say to me just forget it or just avoid it or anything. It is really easy to say rather than doing it. In fact sometimes to one extent I thought that if I be given the chance of selective amnesia… I might consider of doing it. As much as how the memories are so precious to me but sometimes some of them are too hurting to be existed.
It is definitely different the feeling of being pregnant for the 1st time compared to this time. As well as how special my 1st child, ‘Abid to me; the same goes to Adik but the feeling definitely not the same. Each of them are unique. As for Adik I don’t really get excited to hunt for baby stuffs furthermore I already have ‘Abid’s still new and unused stuffs nicely kept in the cupboard. But of course I’m gonna buy some new things like clothes, things that I still don’t have yet, things that I really wanted which I haven’t bought for ‘Abid before and etc once we entered the 3rd trimester soon. Especially if Adik is gonna be a girl then of course I’m gonna buy even more things for her like clothes since ‘Abid’s are mostly meant for boy. But that’s gonna be only the necessary or basic stuffs. Unlike the 1st pregnancy, this time I’m gonna buy almost all other stuffs especially the big and expensive ones like stroller, car seat, baby carrier, toys and etc only after the baby popped out. We will survey the ones we like soon and I will let hubby to go enjoy shopping for baby stuffs himself when I am at the hospital being busy with Adik.
Although I have so much things in mind to say… but some things just can’t be put into words. Anyway… just like when we were with ‘Abid… We are also gonna do whatever is best for us this time and even more. We will do whatever we are able to do in term of anything for our goodness and may Allah always shows us the way. We pray always for everything will turn out just fine and happy this time and may Allah grant our wishes. And the rest, we are gonna leave it to Him and whatever is fated upon us; we pray that Allah gonna make us able to accept with open heart. We will never stop hoping and we will never give up. But still if it turned out later that it is not gonna be as what we wished, either we are tested again like before or in any other way that might be much greater, we pray that Allah will bestow us with all the strengths and patience in the world; and may we will be blessed with stronger faith as a return. So that at the end of the day we will still be able to smile and say our grateful for all other blessings that we are showered with and after all be glad that whatever that has happened is the best given to us. Only Allah knows what is best for us whether we like it or not.
Lastly, I hope that I will always be more calm to sail through my pregnancy this time. Please pray that everything is gonna be just fine for us until always. Amin.