Unwinding Myself

I feel like blogging today. I think I could kill some times before As*r prayer. So, I really have to make this very fast. I can’t compromise my time after As*r until M*ghrib since I would be fully occupied with… stuffs… well u know it.

My mind has been wandering about my postnatal condition. I haven’t updated anything regarding my health conditions except a bit indirect explanation of my mental stage right? hihihi 😛 Okay, that just makes me sounds ‘crazy’… ‘psychological’ state is much better word. Anyway… as an overall I’m just like any mother out there although that I am a bit special (so I say ;P) than they are but I am getting just fine. In fact I should be more than fine I guess since I don’t have to carry extra kg in my arms or having to go through sleep deprivation. But… hey I’m not saying I’m luckier or anything. I get advantages in some matters but there are also the disadvantages that I still have to swallow.

I don’t feel like my usual self physically as how I was before I got pregnant. Of course! duh~~~ Anyway it is normal I think pertaining to what the body had to go through during labor. In fact I think almost all mothers faced the same basic conditions. To be truth…as for me… I feel like I’m not equally strong or healthy as I was before I got pregnant. Heck… what do I expect? It has only been 4 months! Well… it just makes me think that I’m getting old though. I’m still at my sweet 15… opsss there is additional 10 to that ;D Hmm… that’s it… we are getting older each day and our body is never forever strong. But still… I’m striving to get myself to be in better shape even though I know I can’t be exactly the same as how I was before… but at least I could slow down the aging-process-effects to the core! To self… think, eat, exercise and pray WELL=GOOD! Bukan telaga ye… 😐

Here are some things that I want to highlight regarding my postpartum conditions…

  • Hair loss: So, after all it is indeed a myth, right? of, ‘once your baby starts playing with his/her saliva, your hair will start to fall’. Hehe not that I believed in that before this though. It is definitely just hormones and nothing more than that!!! I hope it won’t worsening so badly. I have been experiencing this for a bout more than a month already. Besides, I look after my diet more carefully like take less salt and seasonings… change my shampoo… and consume my zinc supplement. In the mean time before the problem lessen. I should just bear with it to vacuum the house and unplug the plughole frequently. Rajinnyerh bini sapa ni? ehehe ;P
  • Dizziness: This I don’t know why. I noticed that it happens usually when I want to stand after sitting or lying down. It happens once I get my feet straight and ready to move. I would feel whirling sensation in the head… I see double vision… my heart beating fast… there is pain pounding my head… I could feel the blood rush causing my ears to feel warm… and feeling the tendency to fall before at the end I’m panting to catch and control my breath in order to slow down the giddiness. Geee… I found out that this description sounds seems like I’m having low blood pressure symptoms. However it is already lessening by now. So… maybe it is not ;P To be exact since I started taking back my dozen supplements in the basket I rarely experience this anymore. So I guess… might be this is just sign of lack of nutrients, no? Well, I just want to restore everything back whatever I have lost to the optimum.
  • Insomnia: Is this one of postpartum normal symptoms too? Let me check first… *browsing my pregnancy bible*. Well… not it is not! ;P I think… I just need to give my mind some chances to rest. So to self, think positives and only think of the nicest things. Avoid all resentful stuffs and annoying people. Let bygone be bygone. Take things easy and take one at a time. Just go with the flow. Most importantly always think, work and pray only for the good things to happen and let it be the best for me… and us.
  • Slight pain in some parts of the body: Sometimes I faced things that I went through during when I was pregnant. Only that it is just very slight this time. Probably this is also the sign of the depleted nutrients and minerals in the body. This is too getting better anyway since I take my Sh*klee supplements religiously nowadays.

*Sheeshhh tak sempat! Now sambung balik before tido…..*

  • Weight loss: My current weight now is about 47.3 kg when I checked just now. My pre-pregnancy weight was 48.0 kg by the way. Since R*amadhan started, I have stopped exercising and stopped following my diet regime. This is simply because I feel lazy… not having sufficient suitable time of the day and I’m worried if I would feel hungry if I just take rice once a day. Somehow I just couldn’t take more than 1 cup of rice during every meal or else I would feel so bloated and nauseous. I think somehow along the way, indirectly I have just successfully trained my mind perception towards food selection and eating regime too. Thus, the number keeps decreasing even a bit slow than before but this is already more than good. HAPPY! 😀 Perhaps I could reach 46.0 kg or less when Sy*wal arrives soon 😀 Owh I can’t wait! 1 tips I want to share is, drink lotsss of green tea because it increases the body metabolism and eventually helps lose weight. *woot-woot!*
  • BM: I still have my BM… very little left…nowadays. What I do is I keep expressing and dumping once every 2 or 3 days whenever I feel like remember doing it. I just don’t want the BM to harden and thus cause problem in future lactation. Fortunately I’m relieved I never experienced engorgement pain perhaps because I was advised to take 1 very tiny hormone pill to stop the milk production as immediately as after labor. I just have to say this regarding the pill… POWERFUL! On another note… I have mastered the hand expression skill! COOL! 😀 My tips to share for milk production are starts stimulating e.g massaging and cleaning the nips since early pregnancy, think positively, pray religiously and eat good foods.
Hmmm… I think that’s all in my list as my self note during future reference. By the way last night after about 1 hour and 45 minutes turning and tossing around in bed striving to fall asleep, I finally gave up and decided to do some blog hopping. I was hoping that I could be sleepy after the massive reading but I failed when after a while I got too engrossed with the stories I read. Actually, I came across a few moms’ blogs whom are now having babies with poor health conditions. Each of them has unique different story of their own. Well… honestly it wasn’t my first time for last night but only now I feel like writing my thoughts regarding this. Well… I just feel that I am so redha for what had happened to me after reading to their stories. I might not have such strength as theirs to face such obstacles in life especially when it involved someone most dear to me… in this case… my baby. Yet after a while… I also thought that they might not have such strength as I am to be loosing their dearest babies so suddenly before they even realized it that their babies have already gone.

Well… at least they still have their babies. They can feel the boundless happiness and blessings which comes along with the baby regardless whether he/she is in poor health and the baby’s future seems bleak. I never had the chance to shower love to mine and succumbed into his presence in my life though. I am longed for such affection… the bonding part… with the little one. I have yet to feel such experience. Nevermind, there might be another rezeki for me… and as for the said mothers… hopefully there would see sunshine at the end of their very trying times. Perhaps in the future… very soon, InsyaAllah. Absolutely they will keep striving for the best of their loved ones no matter what it takes. Well… what choice do they have other than to redha and keep fighting until the end of the battle? Also… what choice did I have… other than to redha and accept already the fact nothing that I could do anymore? I chose to be strong because the other option wouldn’t give me any good either. The sorrow was so heavy and paifnful for me to bear. I just kept fighting to survive the turmoil and I still am. I’m relieved that I’m feeling sort of survived… Alhamdulillah.

Allah knew they are the ones who fit the requirements and Allah won’t test them beyond their ability. That’s why they are being the chosen ones for this kind of test and not for me. It is their ordeals given by God. And… it is my ordeals that I am fated to take… Why don’t they face the same thing like me? It is the same answer for this question…. They might not have the same strength as I am because they are actually stronger than me… and I might not be so strong and patient enough like them to care for a sick child whose life is at stake. This is definitely not at all a moment to judge who is amazing than who. We are all the same. As much as how I feel pity over their fate and proud with their courage… the more I feel redha and relieved with what had been planned for me. Although truly, I still envy them for having the cute little faces to look at everyday. Each and every test comes in a complete package. Allah is just. I am not the only one being tested. In fact… there are many more who are facing greater test than me in various conditions and forms perhaps because they are stronger than me. So… I should be grateful already. At the brighter side… at least my baby is already in Jannah by now, praying and waiting for us. Well, Allah knows best.

4 months is a very long period for me. I’m amazed that I actually survived it to be at this state. For I know I’m just a weak human so this is a great achievement to me. But still there is a long road for me to follow. There is one thing I feel like letting out now… I think I just can’t keep it anymore. I need to give some peace to my mind. The thought of it only makes me stress and succumb to anger… To cut the story short… I’m sort of been blamed for losing my baby by some people. Though the words came to me indirectly but I got their point. I didn’t know whether they actually mean it or not. But I felt very resented. A few of them are actually close people to me. So now I need to say… Did I actually want that to happen? Did I choose to be fated that way? Did I know what was coming? Was I so damn stupid to even realize what was happening in me? Was I so damn ignorant to take things for granted to actually risk my baby’s life? After 38 weeks pregnant with him and having to face all the challenges and obstacles of being pregnant? NO I AM NOT. Some asked me didn’t I realize the baby wasn’t moving? Well… HOW COULD I KNOW there was something wrong in me if I could still feel the baby’s movements? Especially when we had been feeling nothing more than FINE at the first place? In other words… of I course I did realize when the baby stopped moving so that’s why I went to the hospital. Get it?

Sigh… It was happening SO FAST. I believed that no matter how hard it was the journey for the baby to see the world… but if Allah wanted him to be alive… he would definitely saved him and led us the way. Somehow… Allah wanted it to be the other way round. Who are we to go against God’s will? It was fated by Allah The Almighty that my son would be gone very soon even before I realized it. I did all the things for us as best as I can throughout my pregnancy. I cared for my baby more than I cared for myself. I bear and swallowed all the pregnancy symptoms every day and night just like any other pregnant woman who loves the other life that had become part of their breathing soul. I religiously prayed to Allah for our safety during every prayer. But we human only can propose but still Allah always has the right to dispose. Be careful with whatever we are saying. Do remember we have Allah to control EVERYTHING around us. Speak with the mind and don’t simply speak merely with the heart. So that we won’t be so proud (takbur, angkuh, bongkak) while talking. Last but not least… again… do remember that there is ALLAH ALONE WHO GIVES LIFE AND HE ALONE BRINGS IT BACK AT A SPECIFIC TIME IN ANY WAY AS HOW HE WISHED.

I am not perfect. I am not God. So not YOU.

PS- Geee… I feel soo GOOOOOD! I should have done this earlier! 😀

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