It Has Been A While…

I’m back. I’m fine and I’m getting better from day to day. In other words, my sanity is coming back to normal, Alhamdulillah. I have been like a bitter fierce sea waves during typhoon or roller-coaster riding on deadly 360 degrees loops high in the air for the past 1 month. However it seems like now the wave is becoming calmer and the roller-coaster also is already slowing down before it reaches its’ stop. It was so difficult for the past days… really. After all that was the most PRICELESS experience in my life which I will never can forget. But I knew I have no choice at all other than to keep myself to be strong from time to time. It is indeed not easy at all to even think about strength but I keep crawling back to my knees every time after I fall down. Because of my vulnerability, I avoided myself from the Internet, PC and everyone mainly because I didn’t want to get hurt or sad. I did many things as for the preparation welcoming our son last time so being in front of the PC reminded me towards my baby. I couldn’t even look at any other baby’s picture too. Not to forget even some people tried to cheer me up without hurting me but they did hurt me eventually without realizing it. I knew… it’s not their fault anyway.

Again, thanks so much to you people for all the encouragements and sympathies. I am just so touched for all the warm and kind words. Though those are only words… but at least we are able to find some strengths in there to help us move on. By writing previous post… I can say that was the most meaningful post to me since I wrote it as like I’m listening to my heart talking. Unintentionally, I attracted more new readers too. Honestly, I didn’t mean at all to attract sympathy, I didn’t mean at all to attract publicity, I didn’t mean at all to make you feel sorry for us, I didn’t mean at all to make you sad and cry, I didn’t mean at all to show how strong and patient we are in fact I never believe that I am a strong person and I didn’t mean at all to be proud to be the chosen ones; but what I meant was only to fully expressed my emotions over what had been happening… that’s all. My heart was shattered into million pieces at that time and I am now still collecting those pieces to be attached.

Today marks 1 month and 2 days since I gave birth. This also means that I’m still in my confinement period if I’m following the traditional 40 days of Malay confinement period. But to be truth, I don’t really keep myself confined. I already eaten KFC burgers and chickens and McD’s burgers which my mother brought all the way from Malaysia on my 4th day after giving birth. I followed the confinement processes like berurut, makan jamu. berparam, berpilis and so on until the 2nd week of confinement. Until now I also avoid some foods because I felt sick after eating them. My mother had just gone back to Malaysia on past Saturday after staying a month in here… leaving the 2 of us to continue recuperating by ourselves. Then today I’ve just attended my final post-natal check-up at the hospital. Everything is fine with me and I can continue my daily activities as usual. I’m just relieved that I won’t be visiting the hospital anymore in time to come. It breaks my heart just to even think about hospital because I just can’t stopped all the past memories from keep rewinding in my mind. How weird… before I was in labor, visits to the hospital would always be exciting… sigh…

By this week also we are officially beginning our new lives. We were hoping our lives would just be continued into the next level, yet we are back to the start once again… in a new home, with a new environment, with new perspectives and with new plans waiting ahead. Again, it isn’t that easy at all… since we were already imagining how our lives were supposed-to-be like for more than a year before. We thought this time we already could realize our dreams and do all the things we really wished to do. Turned out it is going to be the other way round which we never think of. So, we are still trying to accept and slowly adjusting and adapting within the new conditions. The house had been topsy-turvy for the past one month. So yesterday after overall cleaning in the house, we sat down in the hall together to rest. Suddenly silence crept between us leaving only the sounds of rustling leaves and grass, the chirping of the birds, the roars of moving cars once a while and the waving curtain being blown by the lovely wind slapping the sliding door. That time on we came to realize how lonely we are residing in the spacious house… only the 2 of us. Hubby said it out clear and I replied in agreement. Most probably it might be because earlier, our main intention to move into the new home was because we thought there would be a new little family member in the house. Never we knew that ‘Abid was going to stay for only 1 night with us. So now when he is gone this is how we feel. I don’t think we are going to feel this way if we didn’t expect to extend the family member at the first place. I told this to hubby… and he agreed with me too.

Honestly until now I still feel surreal over what had happened. It is like in a dream. Good dream or bad dream? I don’t know. In fact I believe I’m going to be feeling this way for the rest of my life. Actually there are mixed of emotion all at once every time my mind flashes back to the day. It was indeed the most saddest day in my life but still… it was the most happiest day in my life because we finally have a child! We took quite a long time on family planning before finally decided ready to conceive. Only that Allah decided to take back my son so soon and he is now living in other world near to the Creator. You know, I’ve already imagined bathing him in the tub, myself breastfeeding him, hubby coming back home from work and anxiously searching for his son, to bring him play outside in the lawn and so much else. When it was confirmed ‘Abid was already gone, I was admitted straight away. I was induced on the same night and gave birth on the tomorrow’s morning. I was sad upon receiving the news but I was still feeling okay… might be I thought I could accept it. Although honestly at that time I felt as like half of my strength and life has already gone. I only thought about to save my own self and get over with whatever we should.

Not that I realized the reality was going to hit me very hard only right after that… It was when I first laid my eyes upon the most beautiful thing which I embraced when he was put on my chest. He was silent of course and his body was lying lifelessly on me… no wail to hear from the cute juicy red mouth, no kick and no push towards me from the small little fingers and feet, no grab from the tiny fair hands… NOTHING! That was the time when I only saw my life was devastating in front of me. I was the one who started to wail… I cried… I sobbed… non-stopped… until I fell into sleep during the night. I felt my heart was crushed even more when every time I looked at him. Only at that time I really understood the chemistry bond between a mother and a child. No matter how cute other people’s child might be I would still see my child much more cuter than other’s. The more I looked at him the more I able to remember his face. In fact the more I look at him the more I felt he was cuter from the last time I saw him, the more I felt love towards him, the more I missed him, the more I wanted to hug him but I couldn’t and in fact… the more I couldn’t accept the fate and what more to let him go. It was so painful indeed when someone so dear was being so closed to you… yet you couldn’t get him because he was still soo far away…

However, I am more stable now. I was praying that hubby could settle ‘Abid fast because I couldn’t hold on to look at the face of our precious. That would just make it harder for me to let him go. Alhamdulillah everything was settled in a very smooth way. Although we couldn’t treat him like the normal ways most parents do… but still we have on-going responsibilities towards him. Which is most importantly to keep praying for him every day and night especially after the 5 times prayers. Then… to visit his grave… to clean up his grave… to order tombstone for the grave and so the like. In fact we feel so satisfied that we able to manage the jenazah of our own son by ourselves. Of course it was kinda sad when to think back there were no one else around when we were in really desperate situation… when I myself was very weak… when we both were very new about all those things. We had no choice… with the condition we were in… we had to do all by ourselves… only the 2 of us. Now I’m glad we did it and we couldn’t believe it that we actually could do it. Alhamdulillah Allah provided us helps from every possible way and especially by presenting wonderful people who became our saviors instantly. We did it with full of affections and care. That was the best that we could do and we hope that Allah accept it, InsyaAllah. If that was happening in Malaysia, I’m sure we would just pass to the experts to manage the jenazah which I’m sure I would regret over it later.

Definitely it is a lie if I say we are not THAT sad. I know some people gone through greater obstacles compared to us. Some people said that I should not be so sad because after all ‘Abid had been with us for 38 weeks and 1 day and he only spent 3 days with us in the world and even during the 3 days he actually was already gone. How could you think that way? It is a lost nonetheless no matter how old he was and how long time he had spent with us. He is our first child. He has the flesh of our flesh and the blood of our blood. Although I don’t have much memory with him but we have already thought about what we are going to do if he is around. It hurts me to look at the babies every time we went out, to look at the stroller which I had been wishing to buy, to come across shops which we went to buy the baby stuffs and oh… I don’t have to look far out of the house. There are loads of baby stuffs inside the house… the baby cot which was only loaded with cot stuffs, the new cute rompers which never been wore yet, the bouncer which I bought only 2 days before we got the shocking news, the swaddling blanket which been bought only the day before I was admitted into the hospital and so much more. I have everything that a baby might need, the knowledge to raise a child which I gathered months before, and was so ready to welcome ‘Abid home. Not that we knew, we have to welcome him in a way we never thought of which required us to have knowledge which we didn’t think was going to be necessary.

In everything I do I always remember him. In fact how could I forget him? He is my son and I will always be remembering him. Only that he is now in a place so far away that’s all. Every corner and every thing in the house has significant memory towards him. When I cook in the kitchen I remember him kicking my tummy when I laid the tummy against the counter, when I sleep I remember him getting up so early in the morning and was so active too, when I look at his clothes I thought it must be very cute if he wears it, when the summer is finally arrived it reminds me of the kind of hat which I wanted to buy for him so that he won’t get hot, when I look at the breast pump set it reminds me how I was searching high and low for the set before I finally found it, I also imagining him getting fat with the breast milk I give… which actually since then I only manage to express and dump until today and… the list goes on. Well… I don’t actually want to get carried away with the emotions. Some people said to me to ignore them. But I think I should just go with the flow, feel what I need to feel, and pour my heart out over what I want to. It is a part of the healing process don’t you think? Once I’m done with it, I will surely keep going on. Surely the path is sloppy here and there along the way. But at least I manage to move on… even slowly… that’s already alright, isn’t it?

In the past 1 month too so many things took place. My mother came and her presence was really being a very great help towards us. I missed her already during her last week stays in here. She cooked so many things I wanted to eat. So now I am rejuvenated back and I hope I could hold on for at least half a year before feeling boring again in the matter of foods. Hubby brought us to Shiga, Kyoto and Osaka too and we did have a great time except in Osaka. We enjoyed the time at Osaka Aquarium Kaiyukan in the morning but after that we had a hard time searching for places to eat. When we finally found one… it happened that the owner got me on my nerve and I had a fight with him across the table har har har!!! I was satisfied that I managed to shut him off. I believed I won even though he didn’t apologize but he tried to be nice to us but then I replied annoyingly to him phbbbt :P! But then my mom and hubby criticized me duh~~~! But still I stood back for myself. I just think they shouldn’t be so soft always in fact sometimes we should just teach people who thought they are good enough but actually they are NOTTT! On the final day when we went to Kyoto we managed to take picture with a MAIKO with the Kinkakuji Temple in the background arghhhhh! Isn’t that great or what??? Might be I’m gonna blog about this some times later… or I might be not… ;P It was a great escapade to give peace to our minds after what we had gone through lately. Anyway… you might see us laughing… but in the hearts we might be crying… who knows right?… 🙂

Since this is the 1st week of the beginning of our new lives… I’m still reorganizing my schedule. I’m still trying to tune my mind towards current conditions and how to live up my daily life. I have a few things in mind that I really need to do such as to clean and organize our house compound, clean every doors and windows which have yet to be done since we moved in, do more beneficial reading and study more about STILLBIRTH, try new recipes, plant some flowers and vegetables and so on including the most important thing that is to exercise in order to keep fit and get my body weight target that is 45 kg. Now I have like 6 kg more to lose. Actually I was 48 kg before I got pregnant but this time I want to lose more before I get pregnant again. Ermmm yeah I wish to get pregnant as soon as possible when the right time has come especially when I am already fully healed physically and emotionally, InsyaAllah.

I pray that Allah gonna give us chance to raise a child next time and for us to present a baby brother or sister to ‘Abid darling, InsyAllah. It worths it all the pain during pregnancy and labor if that was how it felt to be holding your own child you had been carrying in you for the past 9 months and 10 days. The feeling was so incredibly amazing… except of course it wasn’t that amazing if he was gone. Sigh… I miss my son so much and it just makes me sad every time. Somehow in order to ease my pain I just keep thinking that at least I should be grateful and relieved that he is gone in the very best way… he wasn’t abducted, he wasn’t killed, he didn’t need to suffer any sickness and so on any other way which I believed would surely break my heart even more if it happened to my son. Even if he is alive I will never know when he will be taken away from me and in what way. Want it or not someday he will still be gone. Although sometimes Allah works thing in a way we never can understand but definitely I knew only Allah knows what is best. So Allah did what is best for him and us. I must accept this… and I must be strong…, InsyaAllah.

Allah tasketh not a soul beyond its scope. For it (is only) that which it hath earned, and against it (only) that which it hath deserved. Our Lord! Condemn us not if we forget, or miss the mark! Our Lord! Lay not on us such a burden as thou didst lay on those before us! Our Lord! Impose not on us that which we have not the strength to bear! Pardon us, absolve us and have mercy on us, Thou, our Protector, and give us victory over the disbelieving folk.
-(286) Al-Baqarah-
May Allah bless the 3 of us always, Amin.

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