Finally I’m Here Again

As what the title said, at last now I manage to blog again after long days of silence. Actually I did have so many things to jot down since there were so many things happened but unfortunately time didn’t permit me to do so. Every time I wanted to update, there must be a circumstance appeared that would hinder me and left me with only a few hours which were not sufficient for me to blog since I usually took at least 4 hours to make a short entry. Hmm why I need such a very long time to make only one entry? I think it was because I typed very fast, but I usually got so many things in mind to jot down, plus I like to re-read what I wrote before publishing them and of course to erase back whatever unnecessary when the entry has gone far too long already =P

At this time, I’m thinking of how and where should I start first since actually I already have lost track of them in my memory. The list is like Regene gone back holidaying in Malaysia, I have tried a few new recipes, as usual being sulked with him and then he coaxed me back =P, updates about my family and my grandmother who fell down and broke her arm, my brother emailed me about investments, my friends’ wedding and engagements and so the list goes on; non-stop! Everything already got mixed up in my mind and plus, of course each story needs a suitable particular mood to be told. So, this left me with only one particular matter which even makes the mood very eager to describe about it more.

Okay, how should I start now? Last Thursday I got a friend coming over to my house and stayed here for one night. She was actually on her way to Nagoya to fetch her mother on Saturday morning who was coming all the way from Malaysia. Since the distance between her place and Nagoya Chubu Sentral Airport is quite far so that’s why she decided to depart from her place a few days earlier and made a few stops at her friends’ places along her journey including mine. She is actually a final year student at Shinshu University, will be graduating and going back to Malaysia for good on the end of March. When I asked her about her feeling about leaving Japan soon, she said something like this, “……………………………”. Okay, I better not to reveal it. Anyway, her answer was likely similar as mine when every time people asked me the same question. Also quite like the same answer when I asked to other people.

***At 5.00 p.m, Monday, February 26th, 2007; I signed out after staring blankly for about 15 minutes on what I have written.

***Continued at 4.15 p.m, Tuesday, February 27th, 2007.

Suddenly yesterday I was lost and became so blur on what to write in this entry. I didn’t know how to put all the thoughts I have in my mind into words. So now after a while I have decided to erase a few lines, edit and continue on the rest left. I think it is better for me to keep disclose to myself upon several particular matters. No, I’m not scared of the possibilities of being negatively commented. It is just that I hardly reserved some times for myself to blog so I don’t want to reserve more on to merely seriously answering the comment. If you think that I always have all the times in the world, you are just so wrong. Plus, as once I said before; the little secrets I kept might maintain my strength, perhaps they would empower it more. Anyway, just to think about it back, I neither write to be heard nor I have anyone to impress. I just write for the sake of to express my feelings and thoughts about my mundane day-to-day life. Seems like this blog is the place for me to pour my heart out, though not completely, but it can lessen the pain and make me happier and busier at the same time.

By this time, I’m sure may be at least you are a bit confused already on what I actually want to talk about, no? Well, that’s good for you because I myself got a bit puzzled already haha =P Hah so many things in mind but so little times left. Back to the main point, honestly I still don’t know how to put what I have in mind carefully into words. Yep I need to be careful because I am different and so are others. We might have the same things in common physically but still we might not have the same opinions in minds. Anyway I found this quite long ago from a blog which I stalk. Basically, it generally tells what the thing I’m trying to babble about is.

One half of the world cannot understand the pleasures of the other
~Jane Austen~

I fully agree with this quote alone, but regardless what she actually means. I don’t really want to be precise with my own story, but all I want to say is; I was so much happy when my friend came over to visit me on the other day. It has been very long months since I last met real girl friends and did whatever girl need to do with other girls. I prepared two days before that by doing laundry, writing list of groceries to buy, reviewing some recipes, cleaning up the entire house until gleaming, baking some sweetmeats and all until lastly I managed to crawl myself into bed so flatly with severe headache and all my joints felt broken. I didn’t regret it, in fact it were worth all the efforts.

I talked non-stopped while she was with me, asking her so many questions, listening to her stories, couldn’t help myself from keep cutting her conversation every time she mentioned every particular words related to my stories directory in the center of my skull and also forgot to ask her back for more details after that. Seem like I have the whole world of stories to tell her, so that’s why I couldn’t help myself jumping from a story to another without finishing the earlier ones first. Well, so bad that I have just realized it by today heeeee =D I felt so refreshed just right after we met until after she has gone to her another friends’ house. How I felt time was flying so fast and suddenly we were in the middle of waving good bye to each other already.

Yep, I know I sound so delighted and desperate to have met a girl friend. It was so comfortable to talk to her. She was a good listener and at the same time I enjoyed the way she conversed with me. She reached my house during the noon and we did stay up chit-chatting until about 2.00 a.m. We got up at about 9.00 a.m on the tomorrow of the day and she departed from here after having lunch. Funnily, though we were in the same school for 2 years before (we knew each other but never spoke) but we only started being friends with each other once I settled down in here. She recognized me from the Utusan Salam Aidilfitri and decided to message me straight away.

During her visits, our topics of conversations were mainly about L.I.F.E and relationship. See the very short four letter word there? Yep, it is such a simple word but I believe that the word LIFE does contained the whole world of various aspects in it. I’m sure even if we spent 365 days chit-chatting together we wouldn’t be able to cover all the stories we have under the topic of LIFE, in fact only a piece of it been touched. Well okay, actually it is not about her I want to tell about but about me indeed. Hmmm though I have him right by my side all the time days and nights but still a presence of a girl friend played a very big role to me. Take for an example, one day due to an argument I was sadly crying and told him something like this, “…nak balik la macam ni…”. Then, right after that he moved his ass and sat in front of the PC and all I knew he was browsing MAS website for a cheap flight ticket. Instead of expecting him to continue comforting me, I found myself broke more miserably and felt like wanted to skin someone alive! Man is always a M.A.N! He was so concerned towards me and being so cute at the same time without he realized it that he made me wanted to munch and swallow his cheeks all the way in one big GULP grrrrr! Okay, what I mean is sometimes only a girl could understand a girl’s feelings. Still, love him even more because of that =P =D

When it comes to travel to other country in a short period of time, I believed that almost everything would be so perfect and fun. However when it comes to living in other country thousands miles away across the seas for quite a long period, it always required me to think over all unexpected petty things towards even all the things that I never thought before. Of course I have to think over all the common things even more too. All I could say is my life is becoming much more complicated. At first I was so happy with the new environments and enjoyed discovering new things. However, some times after a few challenges and obstacles; I became fed up already and couldn’t accept to swallow more. There were so many things I have to consider and there were also so many things I have to endure with. Still I am now. In order to add more, even though each and every one around me were all the same human being; yet I still feel different. Sometimes I couldn’t help myself from feeling alienated. To be surprised not only me feeling like this but many others too. Anyhow I found the quote above really suited me.

The matter here is, I found myself losing hope from day-to-day. I felt like letting myself rotting in here bit-by-bit. My own motivation and spirit have long gone leaving the soul empty. I could no longer enjoy each and every thing I do every day. I didn’t have the things that I used to have and every other thing was seemed so dull. I thought about those things I didn’t have a lot that sometimes they appeared in my dreams and by that time I realized how I have just been missing all the things so much. I woke up in the morning feeling incomplete. I knew that in exchanged now I do have other different things which I didn’t even know and a few of them are even way much better than before. After all, it was just the same blue sky above at where ever the land I stood on. All differences have its pros and cons and so the situation I was trapped in.

I knew long before I be in here that I have to adapt myself in order to fit into the environment, but I was just so weak. Without I realized it I let myself sinking deeper and deeper into the sea of gloom because I didn’t even have the urge to force myself finding the strength to move on. Once in a while I did remember about pushing myself but at that time I was already became lazy to even think about it. Not that he didn’t play his role, in fact he gave his best and full support in order to keep me smiling. Unfortunately that just wasn’t enough for me and it was all my bad that I kept myself lost far in the darkness. The worst part was to see all my hopes and dreams vanished right in front of me. I lost direction in the darkness of gloom and at last I fell, shattered into pieces.

It was an agony to have those feelings in the heart since they kept me feeling my days moving so slow and thus made me thought about how long more I could survive before at last I surrender and pack my things to go back. Still, I have a problem there. I couldn’t live without him, could I? One day living without him could make me gone crazy already, so I better gripped myself to hold on. We had talk thoroughly about this before and this is the best decision for us that we made together but I ended up gave up on the decision I once agreed. I became selfish by only regretting towards all the sacrifices that I made and at the same time I have forgotten in other aspects; he had sacrificed a lot too. But now I already understood clearly with that obvious example, the concept of give and take and forgive and forget in marriage.

Back to my friend, unintentionally I realized of it slowly that her visits helped bring me back to my senses again. Might be all these while all I needed was something extraordinary than usual to boost up my spirit. Only then I have the courage to collect and attach back the left-overs of my hopes piece by piece. Though I knew everything that I have been going through and what should I do to correct things up; but only after she blurt them out from her mouth right to my face; I became strong in the mind again. To be true, she realized about the deficiencies around me and how I started everything from zero all by myself. She agreed when I said that being in her shoes was still so much better than me despite of all the obstacles she faced. I must say that I was so motivated and rejuvenated after I met her. Once I realized the changes in me, I determined to ensure that my self-esteem won’t go that low again. I won’t think about all the deficiencies so much anymore in fact, I will continue to treasure all the pleasures of the differences.

Still I have long more way to learn and go in order to be independent like her…and like him too. Although the quote above is so right to me, I believe that there are lots of other things left which I can tolerate with too. They moved along the path of life with all the guides from others and though I always have him with me, the situation won’t always be the same. It is not that easy for me and there are so much of difficulties. Perhaps that I will always be strong in the heart, pray for me. Thus because of that, I have to work harder than anyone else and never give up anymore. By this, I will have to seriously continue to work on my plans and I wish that someday I will still be able to pursue and achieve all my hopes and dreams. I better sacrifice now, for me and our better future; which he also aimed the same. InsyaAllah and only Allah knows what is best for us. I pray for Allah guides and blessings upon us in each and every second of our lives.

On last weekend, I followed him playing badminton in the hall. It was so fun that I met others for quite long time already regardless the way I played like a kindergarten child who got to hold a racket for the first time in life arghhh! =P The best part was I didn’t get into fight with him like the weekends before that heee =D Okay I did sulk a bit on Sunday morning and buried myself for hours under the futon until the noon but then he managed to coax me by dragging me up, carried me in his arm and put me on the couch to have Milo and hotdog bun as breakfast during the lunch time =P So how long was that I been under the futon? =P What I want to say here is, might be because of the depression and gloominess have come to at ease that made my heart felt jolly. Consequently those prevented me from being emotional but enjoyed all the good moods rationally. Talking about rational reminds me of the word bizarre. Starting now on I should just ignore all these weirdness and non-senses things I have to face everyday, and just bear with the quote above in mind. To think back, they might be agreed with the quote too if they be in my shoe back in my home; vice-versa. Last but not least, the ayah below that I had always never forgotten as my source of strength; patience is the best policy.

Surah Al-Baqarah (Ayah 153): O ye who believe! Seek help in steadfastness and prayer. Lo! Allah is with the steadfast.

So okay, I better put all these crappiness to the end before it gets more longer which already it is now duh~~~ =P

……….ended with full of hopes deep in the heart.

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